My boyfriend has been looking at gay porn online and I’m very confused’

My boyfriend has been looking at gay porn online and I’m very confused’

Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 30s and have been with my boyfriend for five years. We live together, but don’t have any children.

We’ve always had a good relationship – we laugh together, we’re close friends and sex has always been good, too.

However, the other night I was checking the internet history on a shared computer to find a shopping page I’d been on earlier and I came across loads of searches for gay porn.

There’s no one else who has access to this computer, so it’s clearly my boyfriend.

I’m not prudish about pornography – I’ve looked at it myself, we’ve looked at it together and I know he looks at it when he’s on his own sometimes.

However, naturally, I’m now wondering whether he’s gay or perhaps bisexual.

I’m shocked because he’s never mentioned finding men attractive since we’ve been together and I’ve never suspected he’s anything but a straight guy.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since, but haven’t been able to pluck up the courage to confront him.

Coleen says
It sounds as if you can be open with each other about sex, so why not just say, “Look, I found this on the computer the other day and was wondering what it meant. Were you just being curious or are you experimenting with your sexuality?”

If he regularly looks at porn, it might be a case of “It’s there, so I’m going to look at it”.

Lots of people look at porn scenarios they’d never take part in themselves, driven by curiosity or the desire to find something new because what they have been looking at isn’t doing it for them any more.

Or there could be something more significant going on around his sexuality.

The bottom line is, you can’t unsee his search history, so you have to confront it or you’ll drive yourself mad worrying about it while looking for any sign that he’s into men.

I realise you probably haven’t said anything because you’re worried about what his response might be and how it’s going to affect your relationship, which is understandable.

It might help to think about how you’ll respond to him if he’s angry or embarrassed or admits it turns him on.

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